On Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can often times be one of the more challenging aspects of having a relationship with people and “adulting” in general.
It’s obviously not a skill that is taught in school, and unless you were brought up in a home where you had positive role models to set those examples, chances are you had to learn it the hard way.
That being said, learning things the hard way is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve learned many lessons the hard way, and have been grateful for everyone.
However, when it comes to boundaries it can be quite confusing. Think of it this way. You spend the first 20 some odd years in your life with your parents and siblings as the most important people in your life (ina regular scenario).
Then in your mid 20s (maybe early to mid 30s) you decide to settle down and get married. Before kids even come in to the picture you are now bringing an additional relationship into the ecosystem of relationships that you have. These all need to be balanced. Throw kids into the picture and you’re bound to be stepping on someone’s toes no matter what you say or do.
So imagine the scenario, you’re at the dinner table as a relatively newlywed, eating with your wife and your parents. Inevitably one of your parents says something that crosses the line and now your wife is upset. What do you do?
Defend your wife? But your parents were a part of your life for a larger portion of your life than your wife was.
Defend your parents? But you’re married to this person and will be for the rest of your life hopefully.
Where do your loyalties lay and how do you navigate the necessary uncomfortable conversation properly? Moving forward how do you set boundaries so incidences like this don’t happen again?
For this I’ll share a personal story.
Within a year of getting married my wife and I were blessed with a newborn son. Our first child. He was a homebirth where everything went well, thank G-d.
Then within 24 hours we ended up bringing him into the NICU because of a slow heart rate and he stayed because of glucose levels. That first night we stayed at the hospital. We didn’t know what to do as first time parents. But it became clear after that, that we would not be able to function, and my wife wouldn’t be able to heal, sleeping in hard couches in the hospital lobby. So we made the decision to go home at nights and come back first thing in the morning.
Within no time at all a number of people in our lives made their opinion very clear that they did not agree with us and that we should neber leave our newborn unattended. This plus a series of other events that all happened within a week caused my wife and I to make the decision to cut these individuals out of our lives for the time being.
Here was our reasoning:
They put their thoughts, beliefs and opinions before that of our own as new parents.
Instead of supporting us in our time of need they decided to knock us down for being inexperienced.
They chose to side with their feelings instead of listen to our reasoning.
Most importantly, especially as a husband and father, they caused harm to my wife.
After that we made it clear that as long as they were going to continue to put themselves and their desires first, they did not have a place in our life.
Now here’s the catch. We didn’t throw a tantrum and cut them out because we didn’t like what they said. We made a calculated decision based on multiple events over a period of time where they showed that in our times of pain as well as our times of joy, their personal feelings were more important.
Additionally, we gave them opportunities to correct their behavior and mindset in order to be able to come back into our lives. And most imprortantly, they showed that they could respect my wife.
Once this happened we let them back in.
Back when I was still doing pre-marital coaching I used to tell my students and clients that once you get engaged, your biological family is now second to the family you are creating. No matter what.
And boundaries need to be set accordingly. So in the scenario where someone says something off to your spouse, you side with your spouse, even if it is too your parent.
