3 More Things Your Kids Need to Hear From YOU

A few weeks ago, here on the blog, I discussed 3 things your kids need to hear.  They were: I’m listening, I respect your choice, I love you.  After writing and publishing that blog I had several conversations with my kids and other mom’s which brought about some great discussions.  After these conversations I now have 3 more things your kid’s need to hear.  

Parenting is a hard job.  And truthfully it’s less about us and more about them.  Even more than that though, it’s raising solid adults, kind adults, convicted adults, resolved adults.  I’ve been asked several times how we do that, and honestly it’s different for every child and every situation.  I do think there are foundational principles that apply for everyone.  When someone asks how do I become a good mom my answer has been the same for years… be what you needed when you were that age.  

Now, let’s dive into 3 more things your kid’s need to hear from you.  

We will make it through this 

Children’s perspective on making it through difficult times is short.  Not because they aren’t smart little people, it’s because their life experience is short.  They don’t have much to compare these experiences to.  As you grow older you realize that you will make it through hard times, bad decisions, heartbreak, tragedy, but that’s only because at your older age you have survived 100% of your bad days.  

Telling your child, “We will make it through this,” is your opportunity to walk out your life experience with them.  That doesn’t necessarily mean cue nostalgic music and dive into your own tragic beginnings but it does mean that this is the perfect opportunity to impart the strategies you’ve used to get through the hard stuff.  

Sometimes that looks like sitting with them until they fall asleep.  Sometimes that looks like talking ad nauseam  about a particular topic.  Sometimes it looks like pep talks.  Sometimes it looks like redirection.  Sometimes that looks like exploring every avenue with lots of creativity and maybe even some humor.  Sometimes it means enlisting the help of an expert.  But it NEVER means leaving them alone, flapping in the wind to sort it out on their own.

Yes, there will be times when they will have to weather the storm they created alone.  However, when you use the phrase, “We will make it through this,” that’s not the time you abandon them in their situation.  This is your time to really will all your heart and mind make it through whatever it is TOGETHER.  

I’m Sorry

The power of apology is overwhelming!  Let me just start this section by saying children are amazingly resilient, have a desire to love and be loved and generally have a strong sense of justice.  

Any parent that tells you they never make mistakes is lying.  Any parent that says they never lose their temper to an unfair degree, dole out punishment with complete objectivity or handle the situations and circumstances they are in to a perfected degree are lying.  Any parent who thinks what comes out of their mouth is infallible law is straight up wrong.  Yes, children should respect their parents.  Kids don’t necessarily have to understand to obey and are not owed an explanation in all cases.  As parents we shouldn’t be letting the patients run the asylum (lol).  But it doesn’t mean that we aren’t wrong sometimes.

In my 19 years of parenting what I’ve found is a well placed apology works wonders… for everyone… After an argument, maybe things got too heated or things were said that were unnecessary, coming back with an apology shows you truly do care, you have their best interest at heart, it’s not about being right, it’s about doing the right thing.  It shows you can be trusted.

Often when I have approached my children with an apology it opens the conversation and softens the hearts.  Now both you and your child can calmly talk, apologize for bad behavior and put the matter to rest.  Keep in mind this doesn’t necessarily mean that punishments are lifted or that it’s a no harm, no foul situation.  Doing things fairly and making clear, calm statements about expectations do a lot to build the relationship even when tough things are being dealt with and emotions are running high.

It’s okay 

This is simple.  Sometimes it’s just, “It’s Okay.”  Occasionally as parents we have the opportunity to simply have some sympathy or empathy.  There’s no lesson, no story, no big-picture speech.  We just get to hug our baby and tell them, “It’s Okay.”  Hard days happen and no matter who’s at fault or no one at fault hearing, “It’s okay,” is the nicest thing we can do for them.  

I call it the power of release.  We just get to use the position of authority that being their parent gives us and release them from feeling bad.  I don’t know if anyone has done it for you before but hearing, “It’s okay,” can be a huge relief.  The things that would have kept us up at night, the conversation we replay in our head over and over, the after thoughts that won’t stop about a particular situation… sometimes we just need to hear, “It’s okay.”  Being released from the worry also provides the power to someone to just move on from whatever happened and either take the necessary action to fix it or to simply be done with it.  Just tell them, “It’s okay.”

It’s hard to remember that being the adult in the situation comes with more responsibility than just providing food, shelter and clothing some days.  It’s controlling our own emotions, thinking logically, bending our child’s will but not breaking them.  It’s leading by example and loving through some really hard and really wonderful experiences.  It’s sharing our knowledge but not making it about us.  Telling them what we might do under similar circumstances but also allowing them to be their own person and make their own decisions.  

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs.  It really is having your heart walking around outside your body.  We tend to err on one side or another: being too lenient or too tough.  It is through intentionality and really knowing who your child is that we find the perfect blend.  It also forces us, as parents, to do a lot of introspective thinking and auditing of who we are and who we want to be.  Parenting is a multifaceted job but the reward of making it a priority and doing our best creates a legacy of love that will be passed on from generation to generation and at the same time create wonderful experiences in the here and now.