Alpha Parent (part 1)

One of my favorite topics to talk about are my children.  I don’t know many parents who don’t also agree.  Their children are the definition of unconditional love, joy, hope and extreme feelings in every direction (everything from anxiety and despair to joy and elation… only being honest here…

There isn’t another classification of people on the planet that have such a diverse compilation of feelings they induce on the people that love them.  They possess the ability to bring out every emotion from extreme pride, overwhelming love to extreme frustration and all out anger.  At the end of the day you’d still step in front of moving traffic to save them no matter where on the “feelings spectrum” they’ve been on any given day.

The flip side to that is that your kids love you and want to love you more than is describable. Kids are resilient, forgiving and overwhelming understanding when they are dealt with respect, kindness and love.

Parenting can be a controversial subject.  So I thought, hey, let's do a multi-part series on parenting on the blog… Good idea?  Bad idea?  It remains to be seen, but it is a topic I am passionate about.  

I believe in my heart, my soul, down to my very bone marrow, that the devil wants nothing more than to break down the healthy family unit.  How will he so easily weave his lies to people who know they are loved and worthwhile, have a calling and are special just for being themselves?  He won’t! It’s our job to make sure they know who they are, where they come from and that their possibilities are endless.

IF they come from a family that has weathered storms, remained steadfast and supportive, unwavering in their love and held standards with consequences, good and bad, it is a hard foundation to shake or ultimately break.    

While parenting is an individual sport, specialized to you and your child,  I also think there are some truths that transcend; feeling safe, being heard and believed, having expectations and being loved

Everyone wants to think they’re doing it correctly and that their way is the right.  We’re all just making it up as we go along, jiving up what we experienced vs what we wished we’d experienced, and hoping that the good outweighs the bad, the scars are few and far between and at the end of the day everyone is clear that they are loved.   

So here is Alpha Parenting - part 1 - my mish-mash of thoughts and musings on parenting.

(more organization and focused topics in the following multi-part blog posts).  

Let me start by saying if you think you are going to have kids to reign over the likelihood of you being wrong is high. Children are born with their own personalities, interests, desires and have an ultimate calling on their life. As a parent it’s our job to help them cancle out the noise, foster their abilities and bend them (not break them) into productive members of society towards their own ultimate happiness.

With that here are a few of my cornerstone thoughts to get us going…

-There is no handbook for your specific child.  We speak in generalities about bedtimes and routines, which diapers are best and what baby food is healthiest.  Every child is different.  Every family is different.  Everyone is trying to fulfill different needs.  

-As parents we need less judgment, more support, more idea sharing and less shame for whatever works or doesn’t.  Advice is simply that, take it or leave it. If you’re going to get your feelings hurt for someone not following your advice don’t even bother giving it.   Contrarily, be open to different views and suggestions. Sometimes the best advice comes at strange times and from unexpected people.

-You’ve never been your child’s parent at this age until today.  You’ve never been a parent at this age until today.  Everyday is new.  Fortunately, everyday is also filled with fresh grace and mercy for both parties if we will accept it.

-Apologies cover a multitude of sins.  Yes, of course, we expect our kids to apologize when they do something wrong.  But do we apply this to ourselves as the parents of our children?  Do we set the example that if we acted badly that we also need to apologize?  

I understand that there is a level change in being an adult and further still a parent, and yet that does not relieve us of our responsibility to treat others like we want to be treated.  If we expect an apology for a certain type of behavior, if we then display that behavior, we owe the other party an apology, especially to our children.  

-Everyone has a bad day now and then.  I’ll say it, occasionally I have a bad day, and I take it out on the people that are closest to me.  Not every eye roll is the next biggest disrespect.  Choose your battles and allow for someone to just be having a bad day.  

-As our kids grow up we spend less and less time with them.  It's a sad reality… but also necessary and part of the design.  Honestly, if we spent every waking moment with them until they left the nest it would be so painful and crushing to be apart I don’t know if either party would make it.  We have to let them spread their wings… but here’s how it starts: They start at school.  Then school and sports.   Then school and sports and girlfriend/boyfriend/friends, then school, sports, girlfriend/boyfriend/friends and work… it’s busy!!! It’s a lesson in time managment, prioritizing and sacrifice. It’s also not just a lesson for them.

The feelings of we missed it all start to creep in.  Why do those feelings start rearing their ugly heads?  Probably for a lot of reasons.  We love them and have been devoted to them from before they were born.  We were there for as many milestone moments as humanly possible in whatever your situation has been.  

Mostly, though, my guess is that we feel we  haven’t cemented in their minds and ours that we’ve done enough; that they are important to us and they are loved beyond measure. And even before the date of moving out is set there is a grieving process that begins to happen.  Let it. Don’t get stuck in it. Acknowledge the changes, how you feel about it and do your darnedest to put a happy spin on it. You’ve weathered all the other milestones. This will be no different. (Totally talking to myself here as the mom of an 18 yr old.)

The time we have with them our first priority should be to show them, tell them and listen to them.  Show them we love them. Tell them we love them. Hear what they’re saying and the heart behind it.

Make sure that when you are with your kids you are reinforcing how you feel about them in your heart.  Not that their room isn’t clean or that they forgot to take out the trash but that you love them, you care about them.  (Mention the room, the trash, etc… but consider the reason why it’s not done, be gracious, have clear standards and high expectations but love and grace is the blanket that covers)

-Clear standards versus non-negotiable chores… my take on chores?  They’re not the end all be all of responsibility nor demonstrating responsibility.  They are one tool that we can use to measure the maturity of a child. They are a good way to teach tools for the future and be a productive member of the family.  Nobody wants to be the roommate of a total slob or someone who doesn’t know how to wash anything.

Standards however are absolutely necessary.  I put them together because they go hand in hand at my house.  You don’t have to do your “chores” but the standard is to leave the house with friends your room must be clean.  You must have been kind and respectful to your family throughout the days leading up and following.  Your other commitments must have been fulfilled. We don’t dole out a bunch of chores and applaud them with an allowance for doing the things that make the house function as a home.  That’s simply being a member of the family.  

-Parenting the same for each child in your family is foolhardy.  Each child is different; different strengths, weaknesses, different maturity levels at different ages.  Some kids have a proclivity to, let's put it kindly, a proclivity to mischief.  Others are terrified to break even a single rule.  Considering each child’s personality when parenting is not showing favoritism, it’s showing you know and love them individually.  

My mish-mash thoughts on parenting just keep coming!  If you’ve hung in there this far with me I applaud you and thank you!  I’ll cut my list here for now.  I plan on diving back into many of these topics over the next several weeks.  

Parenting/mentoring the next generation is the most important job you will ever do.  You are shaping the future for the world, for your country, for your legacy.  Being an Alpha parnet is not dominating your children’s lives. It’s actually allowing them to live, experience and grow with guidance and standards and absolutely as much love as anyone can give. Afterall, we want our children to grow into Alphas too, and own their roles with confidence and strength.