Non-Negotiable Family Time

One of the biggest things I hear from parents of kids that are getting older, think tween, teenage and crossing the bridge to adulthood, is that they feel like they’re drifting apart.  Most say it’s just hard to make time to do all things all the time.  Some say they know they are having trouble prioritizing.  Others say it’s a delicate balance and they always feel like they’re on the short end of the stick.  

Boy, do I hear every ounce of that!! 

 Life is busy.  Life is hard.  Life is complicated.

But here’s the deal, and I know that it sounds cliche and has been posted all over the internet and in books, but no one ever recites their earned titles, displays the number of zeros in their bank account, talks about how many glorious hours they worked in the office, weekends they sacrifice and vacations they missed because their employment was the most important.  

What you do hear is that they would have given anything to spend more time with the people they love.  At some point in our life, unfortunately for so many it seems too late, we realize that the only thing that really matters are the people we love; not what we can give them, extravagant vacations, lavish homes, luxury cars.  I would venture to say that if you let most people choose between the mansion and time with their loved one living in an average house they would choose the average lifestyle to have the extraordinary relationship.  

Now, I’ve got it, you’ve got to provide, people have to eat, lights need to be on, water needs to run.  I totally get it.  And there are different seasons of life where the work is the most important only because you are trying to feed those that are most important.  But once that shift happens, the swing of not being in survival mode happens, you have to recognize it and be able to recalibrate what you’re doing to make it make sense with the priorities you have.  

So how, how do you do this?  How do you recalibrate your daily life?  How do you make changes to the routines that have become established?  How do you go after what you’re really wanting, and that’s a close knit family with time for each other?

Over the last 20+ years of being married to my amazing husband and having four kids from young adult to elementary school aged, we have had to really work at keeping us close and have a game plan for keeping us together… 

First off, we have we have one day a week where no one is allowed to make any plans except to have no plan and hang out with the family. We lovingly refer to it as Forced Family Fun.  We don’t usually spend all day sitting around staring at each other (LOL).  As the tradition stands now, we usually start the day with donuts together, watch a movie or play a game and reconvene to have dinner together.  It’s not fancy.  It’s not expensive.  It’s not particularly genius.  But it does work.  This is not an optional family event.  If you, another member of the family, want to make plans for the following week you must attend our Forced Family Fun on Sunday.  

Second, we eat dinner together… around the table… with no phones, TV, ipads etc… with real silverware and dishes.  There’s something really lovely sitting around a table together and sharing a meal.  The rest of the house is quiet.  We don’t bring any distractions to the table.  The only noise is our conversation, laughter, banter, jokes, questions, etc…   This was an easier one to follow when our kids were young.  Before we had after school activities, evening extracurriculars and anyone had a job.  We crowded around the table and helped the littles ones eat and the big ones learn their words.  Now, we do our very best.  Currently, it looks like anyone in the house at dinner time is at the table.  We adjust our dinner times to meet the needs of the majority of the family and do our very best to sit down together as many times in a week as we can.  **This goes for all people in the house… so if our kids have friends over they should prepare them that they won’t Door Dashing their dinner and hiding in the basement with a movie.  They will join us at the table.  We’ll pray, eat, talk and hopefully, on most nights have a great time and linger just a little to hear the last of a story or ask one more question.  

Lastly, as far as things we consistently do to stay connected to our kids, during the school year, see them before they go to school.  I realize this isn’t as easy for every family but it’s in the intention… so, if you aren’t able to see your child before school, leave them a note, send them a text, do something special for them in the morning so they know you thought about them and love them first thing in the morning.  

I think sometimes as adults we forget the power we hold over our children’s moods.  We often blame our kids for us being in a bad mood but what about the other way around.  I truly believe as their mom I’m the one that sets the tone for their day.  So if I’m surly and grouchy when they wake up and come to the kitchen I can only expect that same attitude in return.  

I have a little challenge for myself when they do wake up in a bad mood,and that is can I jolly them out of it.  Can I make them laugh?  Can I get them to share what’s bothering them?  Can I get even the slightest change in perspective by being in a good mood myself?  Mostly it works.  Try it the next time you find yourself dealing with a grumpy kiddo?  Don’t get frustrated back and return grumpy with grumpier.  Challenge yourself to jolly them out of it.  

If you are seeing a common thread of communication, consistency and being available, you are correct.  You can’t force anyone to share with you but you can convey that you are present.  You can’t expect what you aren’t willing to do.  Be an example of sharing; sharing your day, your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams.  You children are people who have the same desire for connection, community and to be heard that you do.  Make time together non-negotiable, especially as they get older and busier.  (When our oldest started working we insisted he have one day off during the school/work week and one day off on the weekend.  It guaranteed time we needed to connect, check in, that he would be well rested and stay tuned in to what was happening in our home life).  

In the end remember you are the adult, you are in charge of the household, you can make it as wonderful and inviting, safe and fun OR as miserable and oppressive as you want.  I highly recommend taking inventory of what a normal week looks like and plugging in some non-negotiable family time.  You might get a lot of eye rolls in the beginning but ultimately everyone will be happier.