More Than Being Sad; It’s Grief

Here’s a description of an emotion that we all have to deal with on many levels and on many occasions throughout our lives… it sneaks up when you least expect it… shows up in weird ways… is hard to describe and is ever changing…  never really goes away but evolves over time…  ruins happy moments and tries to drag you further down if you’re already low…  it connects people… but also pulls people apart… it bonds hearts… it hurts in indescribable ways.

Grief.

Grief is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with because of all the above listed characteristics.  It’s heavy and awkward.  It also rears its ugly head over things that we didn’t think it would typically affect.  Out with friends, having a fun day with family, enjoying a movie, etc… and then all of the sudden feelings overflow and wash over the whole event; tears, heavy breathing, weak-kneed and sometimes even snot bubbles.    

 We know that grief affects us when we lose a close relative or friend to death. Most commonly we know grief to be present and a new condition we carry when loss happens; mostly we think of loss of life.  It’s hard and heavy and makes us have wild thoughts.  We have come to know this and almost expect it.  And yet it will throw us off every time and make us feel broken and weak.

If we don’t feel these raging emotions we wonder if we’re okay.  We wonder if something is wrong with us.  We wonder if we’ve grown cold. We struggle to find where these feelings might be hiding and even encourage them to come out.   But perhaps instead of wondering about these things, we accept our resilience.  We step back and patiently wait, give ourselves permission and space because we know grief takes shape and changes form as time passes.  

I would wager to say that grief comes into play more often than we realize.  Beyond the loss of life, grief takes hold when we experience other forms of loss or come to other ends.  Our hearts ache and our guts wrench.  Yet we often try to stifle it.  I think it’s much less often talked about that we go through several grieving processes just in growing up, moving out, getting married, starting a  career, having kids, maybe changing careers for a second or third time, retiring, grandkids being born and more.  All of these common life experiences are the end of one chapter, or way of doing things that forcibly move you into a new chapter, or new way of doing things.  Even when they are something we really want, letting go of what we know to move into the unknown can be scary and cause us to grieve the changes in our life.   

If we would stop and think about it and give ourselves the permission to grieve other situations we could exponentially help our mindsets, our hearts and our thoughts.  What if when our child moved from elementary to middle school we allowed ourselves to grieve the change of responsibility and need?  What if when we moved from our first home where so many memories happened we allowed ourselves to grieve, saying good-bye to that location?  What if when we changed jobs, got promoted or even retired we allowed ourselves to grieve what was, even while looking forward to what’s next?

The process of grief is commonly described in somewhere between 5 and 7 steps.  Usually the steps are laid out something like this:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  There is nothing wrong with even one of these steps or feelings.  That is, as long as you don’t get stuck in any one “step”.  Moving through grief and perhaps even going through the completed cycle over and over again is okay and necessary.  There is no timeline either, which is helpful and confusing.  And to top it all off not all people process things as quickly, as thoroughly, with the same look as anyone else.  You have to accept that that is okay too.  

It’s interesting because grief really does come to help you to understand and heal but will majorly hinder you if not appropriately dealt with.  I find it fascinating and somewhat unfair that grief has to be dealt with before the next good thing can come along and really take hold.  Good things will come along in each step of the process but the freedom that comes with acceptance is different; a peace and a calm will eventually settle in and that makes space for your next good thing.    

For instance, if you're talking about grief in the framework of a child growing up; from elementary to middle school or middle school to high school and even high school to college you’re not losing your child but there are aspects of life that you have come to know that will never look the same again.  Certain scenarios pass away and it breaks your heart.  From elementary years to high school age a world of change takes place.  From shoe tying and nose wiping to passing off car keys and setting curfews.  As our children grow so do their responsibilities and with that ours, as parents, also grow and shrink and somehow grow again, yet never being the same.  

The first time your child backs out of the driveway on their own adventure it’s exciting and painful.  The worry, the anxiety, the prayers, the knot in your stomach are all contending with the thrill of your own memories, the windows down, the music up, the excitement of potential for your child, the fun of what’s to come and even gratitude for the last minute store runs your child can be sent on.  

All these feelings fall right in line with the pattern of grief.  You can’t believe it’s happening.  You may feel angry that the “little” years have passed and come to dwell on the moments you missed.  But stay the course, bargaining rears its ugly head and maybe you can find a way to accept the age of your new driver and also leverage the use of the car with time spent together.  The thought of it is encouraging yet it won’t be the same as when they were four.  There is a low point of it all sinking in.  Knowing that themes have changed and no matter the time spent now, there is no going back.  They will never be a toddler again.  But finally accepting the fact that your child is responsible enough, capable enough, smart enough to be behind the wheel can lead to contentment and sharing in this new joy that they are experiencing.  

Going through this is a process.  I would caution that this process is your own.  Sharing your journey and how you feel is a beautiful thing but hoisting off your feelings and making someone else feel bad for a new joy in their life, something they have looked forward to, will stifle the relationship.  It’s a wonderful thing to share the memories of your child with your child, to stand in wonder of how far they’ve come.  But when these stories become guilt ridden, only induce tears and heartache, no one wants to take part in that.  And people typically stop sharing with someone who uses this as a go-to form of communication because truly it becomes manipulation.   

We can’t stop aging and we honestly don't want to.  But there is a true and real feeling of grief that happens when life is changing and there is a longing to keep it the same.  Let it happen.  Monitor it.  Encourage yourself to move through it.  Find the bright spots.  Stay involved.  Remember and celebrate but also look around for the new celebrations and excitement on its way. 

Another scenario that I have watched play out in my own life is retirement, and it wasn’t even mine!!  When my husband retired from the Army the timing was good.  We were excited.  Things were changing and going in a direction as an institution that he wasn’t sure about.  We were in a place in our family life that it would be a blessing and benefit to have more stability for working hours.  Fewer long trips for field problems and deployment wouldn’t be a threat.  So many great things were on the horizon and yet… yet…

As he transitioned out of the military I know he felt the aches and pains of change.  I wouldn’t do it justice to even try to describe his feelings so I'll only use my experience.  

I had a very difficult time even figuring out who I was now.  I had always been Jesse, military spouse, mother, etc… I had introduced myself that way for 16 years.  It was a descriptor of me, for me and by me.  I was and am extraordinarily proud of my husband’s military service.  He did some of the toughest jobs in the worst environments in the hardest of circumstances.  I’ve heard stories and I can’t even imagine some of the days he has described to me.  So why was I having such an emotionally hard time accepting this?  

One reason was because I was extremely proud of him. I love this country and in my heart I loved the responsibility of being a military wife.  Two, I had tied my identity to being a military spouse.  Three, I genuinely loved the community and while we’d still have access day to day life would be totally different.    

I loved washing his cami’s, keeping his PT’s ready to go, having meals waiting, dropping by dinner for CQ.  I loved going to family events on post and I loved the military balls we went to.   I loved the tight knit community, shopping at the commissary on post and using the facilities only the active duty military had access to.  I loved doing my best to be the most flexible and willing that whatever came our way we could make it great.  Everyday was a new adventure with new stories and people coming and going.  

Retirement from the military came all of a sudden and it seemed unfair for there to be no weaning process and yet how would that work??  

I found myself wishing he was still in the active duty Army.  Wishing for days gone by, preparing for a big move, getting orders for something different, hearing the strategy he employed to help other soldiers, the stories, oh my gosh, did he have some crazy and hilarious stories.  I wished for it back.  I wanted it back.  It made me mad that it was over.  I scrolled on Facebook and saw our friends who were still in, doing the things I knew how to do and yet here I was feeling like a fish out of water in a new world.  

One day it all of a sudden clicked… it didn’t matter how much I wanted it back, it wasn’t coming back.  No matter how much time I spent wishing, remembering, longing for, none of it was coming back.  

I realized I needed to stop it.  It was only causing me agony.  And it was an agony I wouldn’t share.  If I was feeling this way, then just imagine the feelings, the pressure, the immense amount of swirl my husband was handling.  So I kept it mostly to myself and realizing that I needed to stop was also realizing that I was just making myself miserable.  

Instead I shifted my thinking when the flood of “I wish we were still there” became overwhelming. I focused on how grateful I was that I had the experience.  I focused on how much fun it was and how much fun could still be had in new ways, with new people, in new places and new ways.  I also focused on the fact that that was me.  I was there.  I did that.  And nothing, no amount of space or time could take that away.  

It actually took practice to think about things from a grateful perspective but once it started to become my go-to the healing began.  I began to love the new life.  I began to love talking about seeing other people’s current and past experiences.  Instead of shutting down, accepting the facts actually opened the doors for more.  

Part of what I was worried about was missing out but that is a matter of perspective too.  No one was having our experience recently either.  No one was on the precipice of getting to write a whole new book, not just an additional chapter.  And no one was going to write theirs  like ours.  That was exciting to me.  

There are still days where I let my mind wander to what it would be like if he were still active duty and I know I would love him and his career and support him the best I could.  And yet the new book we’ve written for ourselves and for our family is pretty amazing.  He now owns and runs his own business.  He’s wildly successful at coaching individual and group clients and speaks to hundreds and thousands of people in person and online.  I couldn’t be more proud of his second career either.  He’s living out exactly what he fought for, Freedom.  

My new identity is tied more to myself now, however I want to be the best coach and speaker’s wife there is too!  Some of it is strangely the same as when he was in the Army and some of it is very different.  Either way I’m finding joy and passion and a love for where we are but that only came after processing my grief from our previous life.  

Some chapters are short, some are long, some are sad and some are happy but this new book is an amazing follow up to our first book.  Some days it seems like a whole other lifetime and others it seems like yesterday.  Either way I’m incredibly grateful for all of it.  

It was the switch in thought process for me that changed my grief to gratitude.  In my experience grief, in fact, has this characteristic too, if we can just find a way to get there.

My hope for you is that no matter how small or how big the situation you are grieving is, you will be able to move through it, find peace and grace, take as long as you need and come out happy and healthy on the other side ready for all the good that is stored up especially for you.