Three Things Your Kids Need to Hear
I think as we get older we forget what being a kid is like. It’s like we’ve been away from Neverland too long and the challenges, the heartache, the work, the stress, the fun, the excitement, exhaustion, the anticipation all hit differently. The distance between what we call “adult problems” and “kid problems” becomes further and further. We forget that what we feel and how we respond is relative to our experience. And that heartbreak is heartbreak whether it’s a lost job or a broken toy.
One of my least favorite sayings on the planet is “puppy love.” First of all, the love you experience for someone else or give to someone else at any age is real and true. It takes you over, gives you butterflies, makes you smiley and googly eyed. The difference between falling in love when you are older vs younger is that your life experience has changed. What qualities you look for may have changed. The way you express yourself may have changed. But the true emotion of love is the same. Love at any age is love. The feelings shouldn’t be minimized.
Phew! Now that I got that off my chest I think I can move on. Lol!!!
Love is just one example of things that kids need to have acknowledged in a real way. Letting them express their feelings and responding in a way that is age appropriate but also does not dismiss the validity of what’s going on in their heads or hearts. With that in mind let’s jump into the Three Things Kids Need to Hear from their Parents.
I’m Listening
Every person, young or old, wants to be heard, understood and have the chance to speak their mind, share their opinion, talk through a situation. So often as parents we are trying to multitask to get things done. So we nod along, maybe not really listening, more focused on what we need to finish (the email, the text, the dishes, laundry, etc..) thinking about the next place we have to be and what time we have to get up tomorrow that we miss the important things. *What, as an adult, you might consider important is relative.*
For your child to hear, “I’m listening,” and to see you put down what you’re working on, stop doing what you’re doing, looking them in the eye and really listening will change the way your child speaks and how they listen in return. Returning the courtesy of what we expect when we speak is not unreasonable.
Now, let’s be clear, this doesn't mean that every time your child opens their mouth from the time they can speak until the time they move out you are now in a verbal hostage situation. There are plenty of times when the conversation can flow and you can continue doing what you're doing. There are plenty of times that will come up and you might have to say, “right now I can’t talk, can you wait, please?” There are plenty of times and plenty of conversations that will come and go with no noticeable action necessary. It’s simply sharing. These are good opportunities to model listening. Tuck those things away in your mind and ask questions about them later.
But it’s those conversations that need a listening ear, that need advice, that need commiseration, that need undivided attention - it NEEDS to be given. It doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, hungry, sick, if you were sound asleep, if they knock on the bathroom door. There are certain conversations that solidify you as a trusted advisor/mentor/friend and not just a parent. These conversations let you into the circle of what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling and what actions they might choose next.
It behooves you to listen if you want to be involved in their life to the fullest degree. This includes everything from what Paw Patrol did during morning cartoons (the toddler years) to what happened in the lunchroom when who they thought was their friend ruined their day (through high school and beyond).
If you want to be on the list of “call first” for exciting news, terrible news, mundane news, for your whole life, let your child know I’m listening.
I Respect Your Choice
Your child is going to be faced with a million choices; little ones, big ones and everything in between. It starts from the nursery and will be something they do their entire life. The worst thing we can do for our child is give them the inability to make a decision because they don’t trust themselves.
Our job as parents is to instill a foundation of values and morals that they will naturally come back to over and over again throughout their life. They will use these morals and values as a compass for decision making. If we set up a shaky foundation, if we continually criticize the choice, if we degrade and berate them for not making the same choice as we would, we cut the line of communication and we create an anxiety that kicks in anytime a decision needs to be made.
Our kids are their own people, and while we have plenty of dreams and goals for them, they are their own people with their own passions and calling on their life. Truly our job as parents is not to tell them their purpose but to help them discover it. This means we are committed to doing it when it’s something we’re excited about, when it’s something we’d never thought of and even something we hoped they wouldn’t choose.
Our job is to logically walk out what the choices look like, the pros and cons, teaching them how to weigh options and also listen to their heart. How do we do this? We ask tons of questions. We share our own experiences. We make it very clear that no matter what their choice is we respect them.
As early as you can start doing this the better. Choosing between two pieces of candy at five will one day translate to choosing between job offers, a choice of cities to live in, whether to buy a house, new car, etc… Even though the stakes get higher the considerations stay very much the same.
At the end of the day, just like yourself, your kids are going to make some of the wrong choices. It’s totally inevitable that you or anyone else is going to be right 100% of the time. In these moments, the moments of defeat or failure, it’s more important than ever to remind them that they made the best choice with the information they had and with the hopes of the best outcome they could predict. You respect their choice and are willing to help them make a new decision.
What happens when the decision they made led to a crash burn situation? Maybe as mom or dad we could have predicted but our child just wouldn’t listen or take our advice? We still stand on respecting their decision. If you listened and walked out the scenarios, the pros and cons and still your child chose the decision you were warning against, you have to chalk it up to a learning experience. You’re not perfect and neither are they. Now your option is to help them find a way forward (build the relationship) or let them flounder (tear down the relationship).
This isn’t to say that you have to bail your child out. There are necessary hard lessons that have to be learned. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t break your heart but some things have to be worked through and not bailed out. Either way letting your child know you respect them, you are listening to them and you stand with them in their struggle is important.
I Love You
Last but certainly not least, is for your kids to hear you tell them, to know in their hearts, to have it reinforce daily that you love them. It’s all kinds of “I love you” they need to experience. They need the really heartfelt, tears in your eyes, hug on the way, I love you. They need the just walking out of the room I love you. The leaving for the day I love you. The before bed I love you. They also need the I love you that comes just at random. No reason. Nothing was shared, nothing was said, just out of the blue, breaking the silence, I love you.
Knowing you are loved does something to a person. Wondering if you are loved also does something to a person. If you want to build a strong relationship, help form a strong person, inspire self confidence and worthiness in one's own thoughts, do not neglect the I love you to the people that you love, especially your kids.
Love should never be weaponized. Your parental love for your children should be unconditional and unwavering. That doesn’t mean that they can’t make you mad, disappoint you, hurt your feelings or leave you feeling utterly confused at times. Those feelings are separate from the love you have for them. It’s an important distinction during conflict to remember that you may not like how your child is acting at the moment but you always love them.
Parent is one of the most multifaceted positions a person will ever hold. It runs wild with emotion, with physical exertion, with mental strength. It’s ever changing and there is no handbook to refer to. The real deal is to know your child and provide them with the safety and security for them to get to know themselves too. Listening, respecting and loving your child on a level they recognize is what builds the relationship, builds the person and ultimately grows a productive member of society with a legacy foundation for generations to come.
If you want a better relationship with your child it’s never too late to start using these phrases and walking out the actions that go along with your words. It takes time, effort, patience and in my experience a lot of prayer, but it’s all totally worth it.
