Don’t Kick the Dog
Don’t Kick the Dog.
We’ve all heard the saying.
I think we all know the meaning.
(we often are take out our frustration, act the worst, towards the people we love the most)
I think we’ve probably all done it.
So, how do we not kick the dog OR be the dog getting kicked.
The truth is, it’s going to happen. We CAN mitigate some of it. It’s how we take in information. It’s how we react. It’s how we control our emotions. It takes practice but it’s definitely a skill that can be developed and one that will serve you well.
Often we find ourselves in the midst of a bad day and some poor, unassuming soul crosses our path. It could be our spouse, our children, a co-worker, friend or even, literally the dog. They haven’t had anything to do with what has been causing your bad day and yet they bear the brunt of our anger. Unfair, yes.
First, let’s deal with being the one having a bad day.
First off we have to identify if the day is really bad or we had a bad moment that is consuming us. This is the first step in being in control of taking in the information, choosing how to react and controlling our emotions. Often, if we can say, “that was just a bad moment,” and put it away we can move on and not be controlled by the emotions of a bad moment.
On the other hand some days are bad… it feels like the hits just keep coming… one thing after another and another and it puts us in a foul mood. We all experience the “for real” bad days. One thing we can all do about it though is instead of taking it out on someone or multiple someones, choose someone to work through it with.
Working through the bad day can look like a lot of different things. Maybe you just need to get it off your chest. You just need to tell someone how terrible it was. You don’t need anyone to fix anything and you don’t really need any suggestions on what to do. You just need to hear it out loud to lighten the load. That’s totally fine!! My husband and I call it diarrhea of the mouth. You just let all the words fall out and then you can go on. Find someone who will listen and let it all out. Make sure you let the person know you just need their listening ear.
Another option is that you actually need help figuring out what your next steps are. It’s time to find that trusted advisor, friend, spouse, etc… who will listen and look at your perspective. Someone who can help strip away the noise and get to the root of the issue and then help with suggestions, advice or tools to get you on the other side of this bad day with hope for tomorrow.
I also find that writing out the problems and reading it back to myself often clears up my own swirl that starts to happen in my mind. I’m a little bit of a “downward spiral” thinker so I know I have to stop the downward motion and deal with what the problem really is not what I’m creating it to be in my mind. Writing helps me unbox my own thoughts, what really happened and what, if anything, I can do next. Writing/journaling is a great tool to empty our thoughts and get a fresh perspective.
Now, what if you’re the recipient or perhaps victim is a more appropriate word in this case, of someone else’s bad day?
Our knee-jerk reaction is often to bite back. We hear their tone and instead of asking if they’re okay we go down our own list of bad day experiences. We start trying to one up them. Making them justify their bad behavior instead of helping them through it. Before you know it you’re next on the list of why the day is bad and the argument has started.
So how can we absorb someone’s bad behavior without getting hurt ourselves and also help them step out of their funk?
We need to be for other people what we also need. On a bad day how do you want someone to treat you? What questions can you ask to help them sort through their own thoughts on the issues that have come up? What support can you give them? Is there something you can physically do? Can you just be a good listening ear? Do you need to offer to set a time devoted to the problems and really dig in with them?
You have to remember when people are “kicking the dog” it’s not a personal attack even though it’s masked that way. What’s really happening is an emotional outburst, like when someone shakes a soda, and you happen to be the one that takes off the lid. Try not to take things, in this situation, personally. It probably has very little to do with you. Try to hear what the hurt is and go after that. Really wanting to help will come through in your own tone and body language in addition to your actual language. Be sensitive that this person is overwhelmed. Maybe it’s some space and time they need. Maybe it’s a hug. Maybe it’s that long conversation that keeps you half the night. Whatever it is, if you offer to be the person to help, see it through.
Taking out our bad days on the people we love most is not uncommon, although it is not a good practice. We have many conversations at our house about how we understand that work/school/life is hard, the expectations are high, people can be frustrating, the hours are long, the off time is limited, etc… and yet when you walk into this house you are loved. Because we love each other it is our responsibility to handle our emotions well. You can always say I need to be alone for a little bit and our family respects that. You can say I need to talk and one of us will make time. You can say I’m at a loss and one of us will go through the whole sordid tale with as much helpful advice and suggestion that we can muster. But at the end of the day, no matter how good or bad your day was, you need to save some of your good behavior for home.
We all work too hard for each other to get the short end of the stick all time. Every once in a while? Sure. We’re family and in it for the long haul. We can put on our thick skins and take a little. It’s not okay for that to be the norm. Treat the people that you say you love like you love them… even when it's been a bad moment or a genuinely bad day.
The only thing in life we are guaranteed to be able to control is ourselves and our reactions. Start practicing what you preach and what you expect. Be gentle to those that are struggling. Be mindful of how someone might be trying to help. Don’t be afraid to just say what you need. Spend some time reflecting on solutions. Be available.
Don’t kick the dog. He loves you.
